How Long Does Grief Last?

Such an important question! When grief enters our life, because it’s so ghastly, one of our first questions is to ask, “How quickly will it go away?” In other words, when will I feel better? Or, better still, “When will life return to how it was before…?

The old stories about grief tell us about The Five Stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and the second year being worse than the first, with the third year marking a return to normal. Yes, well….

The Five Stages of Grief

Recent grief research has overtaken the theory of The Five Stages of Grief first described by Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. To be fair to Dr Kübler-Ross, her theory emerged from her long career of tending dying people. She recognised that dying people also experience a form of grief as they prepare to die. Her theory was developed through her patient work, recognising that, as people approached death, they displayed behaviour such as denial and bargaining as staging posts toward being able to accept that they would die relatively soon.

While The Five Stages of grief was originally designed to help dying people, this doesn’t mean that when we grieve the loss of our beloved that we can’t experience these things too. We may experience some of these, but not in a neat, tidy orderly manner. We move through them, backwards and forwards, side to side, all the time. Constant motion.

Recent Grief Research

Recent research undertaken with people grieving all types of loss shows us that once grief bursts into our life, it’s here to stay, like an unwelcome house guest with whom we have to try and make some accommodation, and peace.

The same research also shows us that grief is not linear. It doesn’t follow a tidy straight line. It’s more like a spiral. We move up and down the spiral, stopping at significant points (a Birthday, an Anniversary, Christmas, the anniversary of the person’s death etc) along the way up and down. Each time we stop at a significant point we approach from a slightly different perspective which we’ve gained by our journey up and down the spiral.

Others describe the fluidity and power of grief in many other ways, for instance, like a Merry-go-Round, or like sailing an Ocean in an open boat experiencing wild threatening storms and mile-high waves, then being becalmed for days on end. As you grieve, I imagine that you’ll describe the dynamic fluidity of grief in your own powerful ways to add to the creative mix already in play.

So, Back to the Big Question:
How Long Does Grief Last?

The short answer is, forever. While grief remains in our life forever, it changes as we change. We’re changed by grief. Grief also changes. It’s like a person with its own moods and nuances. One day, angry, overwhelming and horrendous. Another day, calm, docile, friendly and approachable, manageable.

Grieving people often tell me that the first year went by in a blur. They’d no idea which way was up. This is because the shock of our loved one’s death, as well as how they died, can cause us to be in a deep state of shock. We may experience a degree of trauma around the death too. When we experience shock, we may feel very removed from ordinary life – dissociated – as well as finding it impossible to believe that our loved one has died. Part of us recognises that the person has died, but our heart yearns and anticipates the turn of the key in the lock. We put out two cups for coffee instead of one; we may cook as if our loved one will be eating the meal with us.

In our grieving we often project way into the future, making statements like “I’m always going to feel like this’, or “It’s always going to be like this”. “This” is today. But how you feel today doesn’t meant that you’ll feel the same next year or in five years’ time.

It’s best to rein ourselves in when we begin to project our despair and helplessness into next year and on and on. Why? Because grief doesn’t remain the same. Even without grief, we won’t stay the same. When grief is our unwelcome houseguest, we won’t remain the same either.

So how can we manage the long-haul relationship with grief?

Acknowledge the uniqueness of your grief
Grief affects everyone differently. Take time to explore how it feels in your body, mind, emotions, and spirit. Understanding your unique experience can make it feel less overwhelming.

Honour special days and memories
Use anniversaries, birthdays, and other significant dates to actively remember your loved one. Light a candle, look through photos, or talk to them out loud. These rituals help nourish the connection and affirm your journey.

Your grief resource pack
Keep tools at hand for when grief feels too heavy:

• Contact details for trusted friends who truly understand your experience.
• Support from grief charities or helplines offering 24/7 help.
• A peaceful outdoor spot that brings comfort.
• Comforting foods, uplifting music, or a book that soothes your soul.
• Meditation or sound therapy apps for calming and reassuring moments.

Seek connection
Grief can make us feel very lonely and cut off from everything and everyone. Reaching out to family, friends, and/or support groups can provide comfort and understanding.

When to seek professional support
If your grief feels too overwhelming to manage alone, working with a therapist can be a transformative step. It’s never too early—or too late—to seek help.

Sit light to expectations

Focus on today and tomorrow rather than projecting grief into the distant future. This can reduce the mental load and allow you to take each moment as it comes.

Grief Becomes Us

Grief becomes part of who we are. It shapes us in profound ways, but it doesn’t have to dominate us. By leaning to live with our grief rather than resisting it, we can find ways to carry it with us constructively and to live full lives while honouring our loved ones.

If the reflections in this post resonate with you, consider reaching out. As a grief therapist, I’ve walked alongside many individuals on their healing journeys. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Together, we can explore the path forward when you’re ready.